abyss

There's an abyss here, a little to the left of and behind me. It stays, waits. Crouches, claws ready to sink into flesh. It's a shadow-shaped figure I am powerless to stop; stay, stay here in bed.
Cartoon sounds from the living room, baby giggles in a crib.
A disconnect; wires snap and synapses pop, I stare at the wall. Another day. A phone call - She wants me to go to the mall; I don't see cute clothes and pretzel treats. I see the man who kidnapped a woman, killed her.

Dangers everywhere. Better to stay at home.

The car - we can't go in the car. Dangers everywhere. What would I do? Better to stay home, home and safe.

Today I read a sentence from the misinformed - she told me that the abyss is nothing more than a state of mind, a matter of feeling glee when shadows abound. How I wish I didn't know the feeling - where dark closes in and panic reigns.

The abyss threatens to smash the small joys in my days; grocery store runs and giggles from my children.

"Put one foot in front of the other," she said, watching my shaking hands fumble with a tissue. "Even when you feel terrible, do it. Your actions become your thoughts. Soon, light will shine again. You will feel better." I felt this way before Asher was born, and it rang true.

The abyss beckons me - stay, stay here. Here you are safe. Here you have control. Withdraw.

I?

We do need groceries - and a car ride would be good.

I open the door
quietly the hinges creak, groaning under my momentous decision.

The light comes pouring in.

Comments

[RQ]

ooh the last line gave me chills.
look at you and the things you can do.
you are strong.
good woman.

[Marcia]

Can you hear me cheering across the miles?
I broke into a big smile and let out a big "Yes!" when I got to the end. Thank you for sharing!

[Jennifer]

Ooo, nice writing Rach. I like the end. A lot.

(Call to talk about Scotty's problems! Jim has a good idea for him but I need to hear more about his tests.)

[Louise]

Ah, the abyss....That is a good description for it.
Love your ending.

[korin]

That was a beautifully written post.
I haven't ever had panic or anxiety like that... My heart aches for you. I'm glad you opened the door.

[knit_tgz (T.)]

Thanks, Rach! I needed this push today (hugs Rachel)

[Louise]

Your post really had me thinking about "the abyss" and how we can find ourselves in "the pit" at times....

Here's Psalm 103 for ya, dear friend.

1 Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 2 Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-- 3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, 4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, 5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.